


Alpine

by noruuheth



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Drugs, M/M, One Shot, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 10:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11102205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noruuheth/pseuds/noruuheth
Summary: "He was once run down by a car but the pain is nothing compared to the one of losing that one person keeping him alive."





	Alpine

Stumbling through the dimly lit streets he finds himself once again walking out late at night after another fight with himself. His mind is foggy and he feels uneasy on his feet as he walks along the train tracks until finally finding an empty cargo wagon, he can climb into. As soon as he’s sat down, his sleeve is harshly pulled up, a cloth tightly around his upper arm, syringe in his mouth and two fingers rapidly hitting the inner of his elbow to reveal the vein.  
It’s unpleasant but the outcome weighs up the pain by ten thousandfold. 

Peace.

Levi dumps his head against the wall of the wagon and stares out into nothingness, his arm falling to the dirty floor. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything right now.  
This is becoming a bad habit. He can’t keep using heroin as a get away from his guilt.  
Why not? What harm does it? Erwin is not here anymore so why would it be bad for Levi to continue?

Why is he thinking of Erwin now? He’s supposed to forget when he goes to poison his blood. Quickly, Levi shakes his head to get the thoughts out of his mind. As if they want to, what a joke.  
That day is so foggy yet so painfully crystal clear. They had a fight - a really bad one - with both of them stepping over the line. ‘I hate you’ was the last thing Levi told Erwin before slamming the door, leaving. When returned, not long after, Erwin wasn’t there. He tried to call him but no answer. An hour later came the call that Erwin had been in an accident; a truck had hit him, frontal. He didn’t survive. Two weeks later it was their wedding anniversary.  
Levi was barely even able to show up at the funeral, hadn’t it been for Mike. 

Now, half a year later and the absence of Erwin still hasn’t gone better. Every day is waking up to agonizing pain of missing the better half of himself. Waking up in the same apartment, sleeping in the same bed, only it’s all cold. He supposes one could compare them to the sun and the moon; Erwin was always very warm and Levi much less.  
Erwin’s scent is still lingering in their bedroom. Every time it starts to fade, Levi makes the mistake of spraying perfume all over the room resulting in extreme heartache. But he can’t help himself. It’s the only connection he still has to Erwin, the closest thing to a physical touch. And he needs it.  
He’s lost without it. Yet he can’t even look inside their closet because all of Erwin’s clothes is still there. He had to get help getting his own moved out of there. 

Why he hasn’t killed himself yet he doesn’t know. It’s only getting more and more tempting. Levi closes his eyes, face contracting from the horrible pain running through his body. He was once run down by a car but the pain is nothing compared to the one of losing that one person keeping him alive. This pain even overshines the one he felt when Farlan and Isabel died, by ten times. They were family but Erwin was the oxygen Levi needed to breathe. Now he’s choking. Dying. Burning. Because fire burns so much brighter when oxygen is the supplier.

“Fuck you” Levi snarls, slightly gasping. With shaky fingers he fiddles with his jacket pocket to pull out a pack of cigarettes. The flame exploding from the lighter trembles from the unstable movements of Levi’s hands. It’s dropped to the floor when there’s life in the deadly tobacco. He exhales with just as shaky breath, a string of saliva connecting his mouth to the end of the cigarette. It’s broken quickly, just like Erwin and him.  
“Fuck you! Why isn’t this shit working-” Levi grabs a stone and throws it to the end of the wagon.

The unavoidable feelings of loss, hurt, deprivation, loneliness - they all nears him like a wave. And they hit hard. Harder than he’s able to handle. He misses him so fucking much it feels as if his heart is stabbed, shot, cut in thousands of pieces, ripped from his chest over and over. His body shakes, feeling the absence of Erwin’s entire being, his touch, his voice, all of it, to the core of his bones. Every cell, every nerve is exploding and it makes Levi vomit through his heartbreaking sobbing and crying. “Please don’t leave me!” he calls out but for no one to hear.  
He’s all alone. He’s left alone and it’s all his own fucking fault.

He has no idea what time it is when his eyes flicker open. He feels so sick. With body and limbs trembling worse than an earthquake he gets up, knees weak and barely able to support him. With a hand as support he moves to slide out of the wagon, avoiding his own vomit, and walk across the track. His arms wrap around his body, hugging himself for warmth and as if to keep himself together because he’s shattered. It’s cold. He notices the snow covering the ground. It’s still snowing and he isn’t wearing a jacket.  
Big, silent and beautiful snowflakes land on him and creates a layer, a coat, of white all over him. It’s so quiet as if the snow has muted all sounds, leaving him only with his own breath and heartbeat. Alone.

The snow crushes beneath the weight of every footstep. He stops and reaches a hand out, to catch snowflakes. He’s so far. He’s so far away, Levi can feel him slipping through his fingers like the melting snowflakes run through the gaps.  
“Don’t leave me alone, Erwin..” Levi whispers with tears slowly running down his cheeks once more, leaving burning trails on his cheeks from the cold. Everything is muted, silent.  
The last thing he notices as he lifts his head from his hands are the headlights of a train. He didn’t hear it. Everything is muted.


End file.
